Those were the words that I heard from a friend last night and it is a question that I’ve heard often. Well, spiritual stuff…questions and the like, however, never in this context.
Amanda and I have known this person for a very long time and consider her and her husband very good friends. Sure, we don’t see each other often, but every time we get together, it is like we see each other all the time. We have prayed together, sat under same preaching, and we have discussed spiritual issues on many occasions. So, I feel like I know her quite well. Well enough to know that she understand God’s Grace, Forgiveness, and wants to Obey.
So, the question is: If you are struggling with classic depression and/or ADHD, then is it a blow to your spirituality if you decide to take your doctors suggestion and go on an antidepressant?
To give my opinion on this matter, I want to take you on a journey. A journey that started almost ten years ago. A story that I like to call - “my life”.
When I first met Amanda, I was a Senior at NBBC who was studying to be a Youth Pastor. I was always on the go. I slept little, worked hard, and played hard. I was footloose and fancy free (to quote my mother) and quite outgoing.
When we were married, and the year before, things were great. I was coaching, teaching, and preaching and I was doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was exciting, but...things were starting to be off. I suddenly found myself unable to sleep at night. I was anxious (though about what, I had no idea) and unable to focus on anything for any amount of time. As a consequence, my work started to suffer. It became harder to study and keep my mind on what need to be done. It was like there was a constant buzzing in the back of my head…During this time, I was praying and studying Scripture regularly…but the buzzing kept coming back.
Time marched on and I left for NBBC again, but this time as staff. Again, I found myself unable to stop the buzzing and my ability to focus really took a beating. During that time, I realized that I could stop the buzzing for short periods of time if I engaged in one of the Triad – Basketball, Video Games or…ehm…”relations”. But, it was only temporary and the fog would descend on me again. Also, this is where the interpersonal relationship with my wife started to fray a bit. I was slowly getting mentally “darker”, even though I would really consider that time my spiritual peak…if that is possible. I was mentally, spiritually, and physically in full time service in a place that excels in making Servants, so take that statement for what it is worth.
Two years later, we left and moved back to Grayling. Things were going all right for awhile, but slowly, they begin to unravel bit by bit. One day, I woke up and found that I didn’t want to get out of bed and go to work. I hated my job, I didn’t have a bit of joy in my life, and the future was as bleak as the present was. All I did was go to work, sleep, eat, and start the cycle all over again. There is more to the story with Amanda and I, but since the majority of you who will read this already know my story, I will skip it. However, things were starting to get tough.
Then, one day, my mother (who is a nurse) tells me, as I’m sitting in our living room that I probably need to go on something. Huh? What do you mean? She tells me that I am just like my dad and she is seeing that more and more. She feels my dad needs to do the same, but he doesn’t want to.
I might have been in a fog, but when my mom speaks, I listen. She is one of the people I have given the free pass to because I know she has a great love for me. Plus, while I was unsure and often oblivious to what to do about my marriage woes, I was aware that something was broken.
Now, the question has to be asked?
Was my problem a spiritual one or a medical one?
Hmmmm?
Let me ask you this first: Do you think sin has physical and mental side effect? My answer would be “yes”! To me, that is very clear what unconfessed sin and bitterness can do to a person’s mental state and well being.
But, what if that person is being obedient, but still suffers from depression, anxiety, and other symptoms? Are you disobeying the Spirit if you take Paxil or Prozac?
Again, I’m not telling you what you should think, just what I see and have experienced. I know that relying on experience is frowned upon in Fundamental circles, but just keep an open mind and let me finish my story.
Anyhow, I take my mom’s advise and go talk to Dr. Gay, who is a clinical Psychologist, and we talk for awhile, he asks some questions, I nod, he lets me talk, he nods…and I come to some conclusions:
When it comes right down to it, I don’t think I have any major issues in my life. Well, no hang-ups…I came from a loving family, good parents, good friends, I don’t abuse drugs or alcohol, and I have a clear conscience. Truthfully, I had no reason to be depressed, but I was.
When I tell you I didn’t feel anything at that point in my life, I mean it. I was numb. Nothing fulfilled me. Not my wife, not my child, not my job, not church…nothing. While I never thought of suicide, I was slowly committing relational suicide. It was almost physically painful for me to spend time with people. I dreaded family gatherings. I couldn’t enjoy going to the park with the kids. I felt abandoned by everyone. Possibly even God…
Well, Dr. Gay said that I what I was experiencing was fairly atypical behavior for someone whose chemistry was off. He basically said I was having Serotonin issues and a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) would help with the restlessness, the insomnia, the depression, the social anxiety and the lack of motivation. He told me that serotonin was produced naturally when I was younger during physical activity. As time went on and I became more sedentary in my life, that less was being produced. Plus, such things are hereditary.
So, I went on Paxil. I have to tell you, I was not impressed. There were horrible sexual side effects, I wanted to sleep all the time, and it made me a bit loopy. And the dreams!!! Frightening vivid dreams…not bad, just vivid.
I remember asking Dr Gay how long it would take and he told me it would take awhile and to give it four to six weeks to get in my system. Honestly, I was about to give up when it happened. I’m not kidding when I said I had an epipany. It was as if the skies opened and the sun burned the fog out of my mind. I literally woke up after having a dream about become a teacher, called my wife and said…”I want to go back to school”
And I did.
Plus, I would wake up refreshed and ready to face the day. I did more work around the house in 2 days than I had the two previous years. I felt good and things were coming around.
But, the side effects were too harsh, so I went off the Paxil. However, I had learned something about myself…that I wasn’t going crazy, because I thought I was. That was how dark it got.
I really hate talking about those days, because they were so dark and I know they were rough on Amanda…but there was a glimmer of hope.
Short story long, I went to school, lost my job at Glen’s, quit school so I could support my family at Speedway as a manager, and then eventually started at 911 dispatch here in Crawford County.
I did alright for awhile, and my relationship with my new church and the people in it did wonders for me, but slowly, the buzzing was returning and the same struggle showed up. This time things were getting hard at home. I was lacking motivation to do anything around the house…I shut down my self to Amanda…it was just getting darker and darker. I hate to say this and I’m about in tears as I write this, but I told Amanda the other night that I simply thought that one day she would get sick of carrying all the weight and I would come home to find my self in a suitcase and divorce papers on the table. It was that dark in my head.
Enter my mother again.
“Hey, can I talk to you?” she said on the phone.
I was at work, but again, when mom wants to speak to me, I know I need to listen. So I told her to saddle up and stop by on lunch and we would talk.
“I talked to Dr. Gay and I think you should think about going back on some meds…”
I knew I wanted to do something, since the darkness had not only crept in, but had taken root in my head and no amount of prayer and Bible study could displace it. But, something new had happened.
When I was at work for Glen’s or Speedway, if I stumbled along in a fog, it was fine, however, as a 911 dispatcher, it is vital that I pay attention and be able to focus at the task at hand. I found my self asking my partner, Jim, “what did he say?” when an officer called over the radio and unable to concentration fully when needed. The buzz or the fog was just getting to be too much. While I hated what it was doing to me, in my job, if I’m not on my game, it could be someone’s life.
So, I went to see Dr Gay…again and this time, I started on Prozac.
It took awhile, but things are changing. Honestly, and Amanda hates it when I say this, but this past month has literally been the best month of my marriage. Not only have Amanda and I come to an understanding with each other, but we are enjoying one another. We watch movies together, we talk together, we clean the house together, we shop together…and I am loving every second of it.
I went on a field trip with my daughter and I soaked in every ounce of fun I could with those kids at the fish hatchery and at the park. It was awesome. We have went over to peoples houses and not only did I have a riot at my friends house and out to eat, but also at my in-laws. I find myself wanting to do things around the house and getting up at night without protest because I want to take care of my boy and because I want to be a partner with Amanda in our marriage.
Work is better too. I am working shifts by myself and holding it together. I’m not perfect, but that will come with time. I have an awesome job that is full of hours of boredom, often followed by minutes of excitement and a few times terror…but I’m loving it.
My job is better. My relationship are better. My life is finally, becoming enjoyable.
What is my point in all of this?
No, I don’t think it is a spiritual failure when someone chooses to go on a SSRI or the like.
I’m more than happy I did…I’m finally content.
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