Do you remember when you were a kid and one of the coolest things to do on a snow day was to go outside and build a snow fort. Back in the day, we used to build some incredible forts. My mom was babysitting for two kids my age and between them, myself, and my sister, we would make two separate forts that were taller than we could see over.Once the snow forts were up and functional, then the real fun would begin – snowball fight!
Have you ever been in a snowball fight in close quarters? It is like playing dodgeball, but much more painful. I once got hit square in the face so hard that it packed snow at least four or five inches up my nose, which was actually good because it stopped the bleeding. From that point on, I refused to be an active participant in a snowball fight, unless I had a fort to hide behind.
From behind the thick walls that we had rolled, chopped in half, and cobbled into a strong defense, I was safe. No snowball could reach me and try as they may, the other team couldn’t breech my defenses and possibly hurt me.
I was safe.
I have been thinking about relationships quite a bit lately. I guess it has been prompted by a couple conversations I have had with people while on Facebook that have been echoed time and time again with by those people closest to me who are willing to be honest with their lives.
One conversation was about the battle that marriage is. We talked about what we thought marriage would be like when we were sitting in our Christian Family class – an exciting, passionate, oneness that would start at the alter and continue into eternity….But what we ended up with was a brutally honest wake up call of selfishness, harsh words, and deep hurts that come with along with being humans.
I said that it would be a riot for me to show up to teach the class now and tell them that statistically speaking, whether you are a Believer or not, that at least half of their marriages would end up divorce. That the passion would probably turn into routine and the tender moments would turn into arguments over family and money.
Now, all these statements are harsh characterizations of what people face in their relationships and I am very confident that my classmate from NBBC and all of those who have followed are not statistics and have been equipped with the tools to avoid being a statistic.
If they choose to.
Let me tell you a bit about my relationship. About four years ago, Amanda and I woke up in very strange territory in our interpersonal relationship. The place we were at was never one that we would have chose to be in, but there we were. We would have never chose to be fighting all the time, often over the littlest things. We would never have chose to put everyone and everything else ahead of each other. She settled into taking care of the kids and spending all her time with family and I settled into losing myself in work and in my free time, playing poker and going out with my buddies. When she had free time, she scooped up the kids and when to town with her sister. When I had free time, I had a game lined up and was traveling all over to play.
Then one day, we realized that we didn’t really know each other any more and that we had, just as we did when we had when we were younger, surrounding ourselves with a fortress. Now, in this case, it wasn’t snow and ice, but with emotional bricks.The most recent conversation that I had with someone was them telling me that they had closed themselves off emotionally from their mate. Both the husband and wife are friends of mine and they are both dynamic people who I know cared for each other at one time, but like Amanda and I, they chose to take bricks of hurt and disappointment to build a little fort around themselves. Eventually, it was just easier to hide behind the wall then to ever go out. In the walls of the fort, they were safe and the other person’s hurtful words and actions couldn’t hurt them.
Ironically, where we were at in our respective relationships were not at issue, we were painfully aware of where we were…trapped by high walls of our own making. The real question was: How do we break the cycle?
How can we start tearing the wall down and getting back to where we once were? What were the steps?
I have to tell you, I’m no genius. Anyone who knows me even a bit, knows that. I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day that work figures that they handed the keys of the community to the village idiot and by no stretch of the imagination should I be answering the phones when people call 911.
Anyhow, after thinking about this over the last few days here is what I came up with:
Pay attention – At some point, I stopped being vigilant over my relationship with Amanda. When we first were together, I was always checking with Amanda about “us”. It drove me crazy if there was a problem, perceived or real, and I would press Amanda about it, just to make sure everything was between us was clear.
Don’t give up – At some point, I quit fighting for my relationship with Amanda. It wasn’t overnight, but it happened. When or over what, I couldn’t tell you, but it happened. I found that it was easier to dodge the problem instead of dealing with it. My motto has always been that usually the easy thing is not the right thing. Unfortunately, I quit listening to my own advice. It because easier to hide from the problem and to just build the wall.
Start brick by brick – At some point, I started the wall with a single brick of hurt and selfishness and over the course of years the wall grew considerably. The wall was built over time, so it is logical to think that it will take time to tear the wall down brick by brick.
Serve – The bricks are mortared with selfishness and are placed with the desire to avoid pain. For those who are in ministry, you know the pain of being vulnerable, but unless you are vulnerable or at least honestly open to in your spirit, it is very difficult to minister to others. The same is true with our relationships. Unless we are willing to face the possibility of being hurt by someone, then we can’t move forward. The safety of the fortress is comforting, but it is a slow emotional death.
Forgive – Every brick represents a harbored hurt that we have sequestered away in our hearts to help us avoid hurt. To remove a brick, it involves us forgiving the person who hurt us. Unfortunately, that again leaves us vulnerable. I know the majority of you know the Biblical mandate of forgiveness, so I won’t belabor the point, but I do want to say this - Forgiveness is the only way you will be able to move on. I know if you let go, you can’t hold on to the strength of that failed expectation, but it is the only way to move on.
There is more I could put down, but I figure that is enough for now. I don’t mind admitting that Amanda and I have struggled…well, we are even struggling right now, but I am committed to renewing our relationship every day and look forward to going into battle together and I know she is too. As for the rest of you who are struggling along with us…hang in there and keep tearing those bricks off.
Apparently, Pat Benetar had it right...Love is a battlefield and I know that my relationship with my wife is worth fighting for.
